I woke up thinking about my life now and the way it is moving in positive and creative directions. It was not that way a year ago. Last year had been a year of trying to find a path out of a financial, emotional and creative ravines. Reading maps, even Topo maps, is second nature to me after negotiating six months through the wilderness on a horse, yet in these past difficult moments I could not find the right direction.
I dug out my old true compass which is my soul's deep desire for love and wisdom. Instead of striking "out into the wilderness", I chose the steep trail of my personal emotional wilderness. I started with my racking emotional pain. The deep look I took of my personal direction was not pretty, I was filled with self-castigation and blame. I let myself feel the pain of each and every wound I was dealing with; lost love, splintered family, a son who was making bad decisions, financial challenges and a family that was not communicating. I could not understand why I kept walking forward so blind to the red flags and danger signs. Acting on my desires, loneliness and feelings without doing the “Inner Work" was not a good choice. I had been overloading my life with work, activity, travel, food, entertainment, distraction, and desire. Those choices had numbed my heart's rage of emotions.
Finally when I did my "Inner Work", my outer life followed.
I called my emotional spiritual battle a “dark night of the soul or facing my dark side”. Some call it wrestling with the inner demons. Even Jesus had to face it in the
Garden of Gethsamane. We all have one but not everyone will face it. It's a very human tendency to automatically fight those uncomfortable and threatening feelings and to freeze when faced with the inner demons. From my study of Chinese medicine and psychology, I know that if these afflicted emotions aren't recognized and dealt than the body creates illness or disease. The mind will create dysfunction which can be played out as depression, addiction. We can distract ourselves with acting out, closing off or turning bitter. Some choose to build protective walls which shut down any authentic feeling or capacity to love. I can't imagine my life without deep feeling and deep love so I fought this battle. My pay off was a greater capacity to feel, which meant when I allowed myself happiness I could deeply feel it. We all deserve that.
The journey into our dark places for me was more difficult than "getting the job done" in the outer world.
I found my old wrinkled dog eared map which I have sketched from my life of spiritual quests, travels and self examination. My map came from various teachers, counselors and wise men/women whom I have had the good fortune to study with. Once I took a close look at the wisdom maps given to me from these experts in the fields of relationship, communication and consciousness, I
finally was able to turn my emotional crash around. I went from ignoring my pain, to finally having enough of it and surrendered to a healthier way. I planned to create the love and life I wanted and deserved. In those moments my efforts led to an open path of a positive and upward direction.
There have been some people who are attracted to my eyes; they think it’s because of their unusual color or something they can't identify. I know this attraction isn't about my outer package; it’s more about their attraction to the lightness that reflects in them from my spirit. There is a compass and a map and a well worn ancient path to this light. I would like to share this with you.
In future blogs, I will talk about some of my wonderful teachers; Krishnamurti, Yogananda, Maharishi, Osho, Ram Dass, Jason Brody, Auntie Margret Machado, Pierre Panntier, Doris Dietman, Damala Sakya, Ekart Tolle, His Holiness The Dalai Lama.
I will also share systems of healing I have learned that have allowed me to do my work. My hope is that those who don’t know where to begin their journey could use something of this to set out on their personal path to healing.
